Father's Day Reflections

Each "Hallmark" Holiday creates opportunities to celebrate those we cherish as well as those we miss. These days can also bring to the surface emotions and the opportunity to heal. For me, Father's Day in particular is difficult. I was a child of divorce by age 2, and my father was absent for over 20 years. Even after re-connecting as an adult, I find I have to purposefully remember him for holidays. And, the standard messages of store-bought cards rarely "fit", as they often reflect on memories we do not share, or meaning that does not exist in our relationship no matter the passage of time. So each time I shop for a card for him, I grieve a little for that lost opportunity.

My Grandfather was my father-figure, and then I gained a step-father. Both of these unique men shaped the adult woman I have become. Each contributed uniquely to my self-esteem, confidence, and philosophy of service. My Grandfather died when I was 27, and my Stepfather two years ago. His absence is still palpable, especially on days like this.

Then, as I scan the rack, I see Grandfather cards I no longer buy. I remember buying husband cards and "to Dad from Daughter" cards for my husband. Even though this is the 6th year since his death, I find myself scanning those sections of the display wistfully.

As relationships and people come and go in our lives, the process of shopping for a card to acknowledge those that mean so much to me has become a point of forced acknowledgement of those changes. I miss the simple pleasure of picking out a card for someone I loved; and instead, take a moment to remember.

When I opened the paper this morning, the headline was "Dear Dad". My Mom, my daughter and I will go to church today, and the sermon will most likely address fathers. And all three of us will feel slightly out of place, and out of sync, missing ours. And remembering.

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Acceptance Empowers. How Not To Fear Change

Acceptance Empowers. How Not To Fear Change

Acceptance can be the first step in recovering from a loss, and often is the hardest.

Have you ever felt like a victim, or that life is treating you unfairly? It is easy to, when we are conditioned to expect the best life has to offer. Before we even realize it, we resist change rather than accepting that cycles of change are a normal part of our lives. Often in hindsight, that unwanted change (anything we did not choose, plan, or control)brings an opportunity. And we will miss that opportunity if we expend all our energy in avoiding the change that is to come with or without our acceptance!

Our primitive emotional response is to view change as a threat. And denial is also a deeply programmed response that protects us when we face trauma or shock. But there are times when it does not serve us well at all. When we use denial to avoid facing a painful truth, we can harm ourselves or others. When denial becomes a pattern of coping, you may be left exposed and unprepared.

Amazingly, change occurs despite our ability to accept it. Wouldn't the energy spent masking truth be better channeled to deal with the circumstances you are facing?

Acceptance is not "giving up"; it is seeing things as they are, not as we wish they were or hope they will become. Sometimes the very act of recognizing a problem opens the way for you to create a different outcome! Your energy can be re-directed towards creating a solution, plan, or an alternative to the one you most fear.

• Fear fuels denial; trust allows acceptance.


• Trusting that you will be able handle whatever comes is a powerful piece of acceptance.


• Acceptance allows you to take some form of action, and


• Action is in itself therapeutic, empowering, and moves you forward, away from feeling like a powerless victim.

Even when you are tempted by denial, your body and subconscious mind are never fooled. Problems with appetite, sleep, relationships or stress may be clues you are avoiding the truth about something in your life. Denial never made real problems or unwanted changes disappear, but delayed action can have a tremendous impact on the outcome of that change. Health issues are one example.

Acceptance is empowering; denial gives your power away to whomever or whatever you are holding on to. For me, that is a great motivator for leting go! Acceptance moves your forward, denial holds you back. Do you choose to be a victim of your past, or a creator of your future? The change you fear may ultimately reveal a “silver lining”!